Life :)

It is was it is, no turning back to change, no regrets, no solutions, no thinking about the past. That is one of my rules. But sometimes, Maybellene can't hide the lines of time thats gone. I sit and think about it, all that has been, all that I have done. I try not to dwell on things from the past because I like to live for the prestent to make my future better. Iam a very lucky woman to have overcome so much, to have what I have, to be who Iam. I will not forget that.

Sometimes, super women have feelings beyond the hardest shell that has been created. I have my moments, I fear things, I fear my dreams, death, afterlife. What is it really...I dont question God in so many terms, but I tend to ask myself, who is he and what does he have in my path ahead. He brought me through rough travels, I have learned, but I fear my learning experiences are not over. They probably will never be over.

Today Iam mentally exhausted, I have thrown up at least 4 times, stomach bug I guess. Today Iam tired, I want to just relax, but Iam restless. The only thing that gets me through everything is my beautiful daughter, and my hard headed husband. Though Iam a hard head myself. Iam a nut in my own way in a world full of cherrios. So to speak.

Sometimes, I wonder if everyday is going to be the same, day in, day out. I wish I could say Iam not complaining but in a way, Iam. Its call same shit different day sydrome, same clowns, different circus. Yet the circus has been the same old rodeo. Maybe its the winter madness people tend to get. I long for those warm summers, on the beach in Florida. How it was always my cup of tea. I remember spending all day on the beach, in the sun.

Now dont get me wrong, Iam not complaining about my life, then again, you may see it that way. Iam so lucky to be where Iam, with who Iam with. My education and my job has fullfilled me greatly. Being able to provide for my daughter and give her all the pretty things she wants is so rewarding. The smile on her face is music, my sunshine. Having a husband that has a great job as well and is able to pay the bills and give us everything is God sent.

I guess Iam just fighting a few inner demons. A few brutal memories of the past the rest heavy on my soul. A few cracked doors that need to be closed. It happens I guess. Sometimes I wish I would have met the husband I have 1st instead of my ex. Though my husband is not my daughters biological father, I truly wish he was. He should have been. but all things happen for a reason. I wish to further my education. I can never make up my mind, I do like Pharmacy but maybe I need to exceed my nursing credentials further.

Iam a science and literature lover. I would love to further my wisdom in those areas, but its like my drive has left me. Not sure if Iam more afraid of my age or my ability to keep it going and finish. I have an issue of starting something and either never finishing it or getting bored and moving toward a different path. I always try to tell myself to keep going, but then I stop and start something else. Its a cycle that is hard for me to break. I realize this yet I can't seem or its like I just dont want to anymore.

Death and age is a scary cycle. I deal with people dying in my job profession. Sometimes hearing about someone who has passed, and just seeing them the other day, tends to ruin my work day. I know it sounds weird, but you begin to grow attached to some people, maybe thats why I try not to attach. I build a wall around my feelings. But eventually my wall falls. Yes, this woman of steel, her wall tends to collapse.

Friends, I have many, only a few close ones though, 2 in particular that have impacted me. I truly believe they make me a better person. I dont know what I would do without Angela and Julie. They make me smile. There are a few other friends that I have had since high school, Heather, Mary and Krystal. Though we live far from one and other, they are always there too.

Writing this has made me feel a lil bit better. I may not be perfect, I may have a bad attitude, rough outer shell, but my heart is really big. Sometimes I dont show it as often. Going through bad times early in life can do that to you. Its been a journey. Iam sure there is more to come. But for now. Iam a pretty lucky girl. Just having a bad day. We are all allowed some of those once in awhile. :)